You know when you have those flashes of your babies as young adults and you force yourself to shake the image because you're not being present and even the thought of them growing up makes your chest cave in (and makes you realize your own age and the age you will be when they are grown up and then you think about your parents and then you are suddenly in a k-hole and you want to steel yourself and never love anything or anyone ever again because it's too heartbreaking?????) Just had one of those flashes.
Our babysitter, a sweet girl in her early 20's, just came over to take-over baby duties from me. She is a student, working her tail off to live her dream and when she has time, we are lucky enough to have her sit for us. Today she arrived with a quivering chin and tears in her eyes. She was having, as a good friend of mine said, an "End Of The World Day." Nothing was going her way. I asked her to sit down and share what she was going through. And she told me the details, I saw in her my two daughters and soon enough my chin was quivering. I had tears in my eyes.
It was interesting. She watches my children and Meesh and I watch her. Not in a patronizing way. But her family is far away (which if you love your family, fuck...if you like your family, is a terribly painful thing especially as you get older) and so our instinct is to just keep an eye out and make sure she is okay.
And today she wasn't okay. And in thinking of ways to help her I simply couldn't help feel that global i'm-somebody's-dad-so-i'm-urrrrrrybody's-dad.
As we talked things out, she said "Life is hard sometimes. I look at your girls and can't help but think...don't grow up." PETER PAN...table for two!! I mean, hells to the yeah, life is hard (sometimes) and being an adult is (if you're actively pursuing being an adult) very complicated (sometimes). sidenote sally: for those of you out there escaping adulthood...we might judge but it's only cuz we mad jealous.
I left the house and she started babysitting my kids. She's someone's kid. I'm someone's kid. And as I drove off I thought about how often I call my parents (who are too far away which is...remember...terribly painful) for an ear, a shoulder to lean on and by lean I mean cry, and an overall, unconditional heart to be loved by.
When I get home tonight I will do my best to stay present, collect "purples" to put into strawberry cake tea and just enjoy what is happening right in front of my eyes...which will likely fill with tears.
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